Does One of You Push and the Other Withdraws?
Does One of You Push and the Other Withdraws?
Written by: Janine ChengPublished on October 2, 2024Are you the pursuer in your relationship?
It might feel like it’s always on you to initiate difficult conversations about your partnership; in part because you are the one who senses when things are off. You notice even the smallest shift in the dynamic between you and your partner and you work hard to deepen your bond. Your longing for closeness and connection might have caused you to be framed as overly emotional, needy or reactive and yet you’ve continued to try to propel your relationship forward. This has come at a cost. You are exhausted and burned out, constantly reaching, constantly scanning, constantly pushing, hoping your partner will turn toward. You might feel depleted and alone, like you’re the only one in your relationship who is still fighting for it.
This is what many pursuers feel in the anxious-avoidant dynamic. The one who chases eventually runs out of breath.
Where This Comes From
In EFCT (Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy), we talk about the dance between pursuer and withdrawer. The pursuer’s longing comes from a very human place: a need for closeness and reassurance. But when met with distance or withdrawal, that longing often escalates into protest: raising your voice, asking again, reaching harder sometimes more forcefully, sometimes aggressively. Unfortunately, this can make your partner retreat further, for fear of engaging, saying the wrong thing and further escalating the conflict.
Attachment theory helps us understand why this happens. If you lean more anxiously attached, closeness feels like safety. Distance feels like danger. For your avoidant-leaning partner, independence feels like safety. Too much closeness can feel overwhelming. Both of you are trying to protect yourselves, but your protective instincts clash in painful ways.
How Therapy Helps
EFCT can help to shift this cycle, first by understanding it, then by recognizing it in action and finding new ways to communicate from a place of vulnerability. Instead of getting stuck in the blame or shutdown, an EFCT therapist helps both partners slow down, name the fears beneath the surface and create new moments of connection. Pursuers get to share the vulnerable truth behind their protest (“I reach for you because I’m scared of losing you”) and withdrawers can share what fuels their distance (“I pull away because I feel like I can’t get it right”). When those truths are heard, the cycle begins to soften and a new path forward suddenly appears.
Reflection Prompts for the Burnt-Out Pursuer
While therapy can be the safest place to do this work, you can begin reflecting on your own:
What does your reaching behavior look like (calling, texting, pushing for talks)?
What’s the deeper longing underneath those behaviors?
When you feel the urge to pursue, what happens in your body? Can you pause and notice your breath?
What would it feel like to gently share the fear beneath the protest instead of escalating?
These are small steps, but they can open up space for self-awareness and gentleness toward yourself.
Your need for connection is deeply human and you don’t have to carry the entire relationship alone. Therapy offers a space where both of you can understand your cycle, find compassion for each other and begin building a more secure bond.
If you’re tired of running this race by yourself, we encourage you to reach out to schedule a consultation. Our couples therapists are trained in EFCT and are specialized in working with the pursuer withdrawer dynamic. We look forward to lightening your load.
If you’re not yet ready for therapy, check out our worksheet for pursuer / withdrawer couples to help get the conversation going.
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Struggling to connect with your partner because of differences in processing and communication needs? One of you wants to talk while the other needs space. Learn why this dynamic happens and how EFT and Gottman therapy can help.