“Always Catching Up”: Why Children of Immigrants Often Feel Behind
“Always Catching Up”: Why Children of Immigrants Often Feel Behind
Written by: Janine ChengPublished on August 8, 2025For many children of immigrants, there’s a quiet, persistent feeling that they’re always one step behind.
Behind in their careers. Behind in wealth. Behind in confidence. Behind in knowing how to navigate systems that others seem to move through effortlessly. This sense of lag isn’t imagined—it’s deeply rooted in the complex intersection of identity, culture, and survival.
1. Starting Without the Same Blueprint
Children of immigrants often grow up without access to the “unwritten rules” of success in their new country. While their peers may benefit from generations of accumulated cultural capital—knowing how to apply for internships, understanding the college admissions game, or having connections to industries—children of immigrants are often figuring it all out for the first time, on their own.
They’re not just building a life; they’re building the blueprint.
2. Parenting Gaps & Role Reversal
Many immigrant parents work long hours in demanding jobs, and some may not speak the dominant language fluently. Their children often serve as translators, advocates, or even emotional supports—a phenomenon known as parentification. These early responsibilities can cultivate resilience, but they can also delay the child’s own developmental needs, including exploring interests, asking for help, play or making mistakes without heavy consequences.
Time spent navigating bureaucracy for your family is time not spent on extracurriculars, internships, or self-exploration.
3. Pressure to Succeed in a Narrow Way
There’s often intense pressure on children of immigrants to “make it”—but in a very specific way. Success is frequently defined in narrow, high-achieving terms: doctor, lawyer, engineer. Creative paths, mental health support, or gap years may be seen as luxuries, not options. This pressure can lead to burnout, indecision, or suppressed desires that make peers’ seemingly “confident” trajectories feel even more alienating. Meanwhile, the cost of failure can feel unthinkable—not just personally, but generationally.
4. Shame Around Asking for Help
When your parents sacrificed everything to give you a better life, asking for help can feel like betrayal. Children of immigrants may internalize the belief that they need to be self-reliant or “grateful” enough to figure it out on their own. This can limit their willingness to seek mentorship, therapy, or accommodations—resources their peers may access without shame.
This self-sufficiency, though admirable, can be isolating and reinforcing of the “behind” feeling.
5. Cultural Code-Switching and Identity Confusion
Many children of immigrants live in a state of cultural code-switching—being one version of themselves at home, another at school or work. This constant toggling can be exhausting, and it delays the process of integrating a coherent sense of self. When peers seem comfortable and confident in their identity, it can highlight a lingering feeling of fragmentation or dislocation.
It’s not just about being behind in milestones; it’s about being behind in knowing who you are allowed to be.
Healing and Reframing
While it’s true that many children of immigrants feel like they’re catching up, it’s also true that they often develop extraordinary capacities: empathy, adaptability, grit, and multilingualism, to name a few.
The challenge is not to deny the feeling of being behind—but to understand where it comes from, and to recognize that you’ve been playing a different game entirely, often with fewer resources and higher stakes. You were never behind—you were building a foundation from scratch while carrying your family with you.
That isn’t failure. It’s generational alchemy.
Want support unpacking your first-gen experience? Work with a therapist who gets it.
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