Therapist-Approved New Year’s Resolutions

Therapist-Approved New Year’s Resolutions

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Written by: Janine Cheng

Published on December 28, 2025

What makes for a “good” New Year’s Resolution?

It’s that time of year - when the messaging around renewal, reinvention, self-improvement is all around us. Though this annual inflection point can bring about a healthy dose of reflection, it can also create feelings of pressure to transform oneself, sometimes in inauthentic and unsustainable ways. So let’s explore ways to lean into this time of year that feel intentional, grounded and self-led.

Why do traditional new year’s resolutions so often fail?

If you’ve set a new year’s resolution, you’ve probably also “failed” at a new year’s resolution. Come February, and almost certainly by March, you likely lost steam and slipped back into old patterns. But why?

Traditional resolutions typically assume there is one version of you that should be in charge- the motivated, disciplined, “ideal” self. This, as a concept, can encourage shaming of parts of ourselves, which in turn can contribute to an internal fracturing. When new year’s resolutions feed into this concept, they put us at war with ourselves and eventually, our “ideal self” tends to succumb to the larger system.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers an alternative frame of understanding ourselves. It suggests that we are all made up of many parts, each with its own role, fears and protective strategies. When resolutions ignore those parts, internal conflict often shows up as:

• Procrastination

• Avoidance

• Self-sabotage

• Shame spirals

• Giving up altogether

An IFS-informed approach doesn’t try to override these reactions. It works with them. Let’s discuss how to do new years resolutions differently.

1. Replace Self-Criticism with Curiosity

Instead of: “I need to stop procrastinating / people-pleasing / overthinking.”

Try: “I want to understand what this part of me is protecting.”

From an IFS lens, no part of you is broken. Even behaviors you dislike that are at times disruptive to you were likely developed to protect you from something, whether it’s rejection, overwhelm, failure or emotional pain. Start by trying to understand the function of the behaviors you’re hoping to shift.

A therapist-approved resolution might be:

• I will get curious instead of critical when I struggle.

• I will ask what this part of me is afraid would happen if it didn’t do its job.

Curiosity reduces internal resistance and often creates more change than force ever could.

2. Set Goals Based on Capacity, Not Pressure

Many resolutions are created by high-achieving “manager” parts that ignore exhaustion, grief, or burnout carried by other parts of the system.

IFS-informed resolution:

• I will check in with my energy before committing.

• I will practice honoring my limits without self-judgment.

• I will make choices that are aligned with my values around the kind of person, friend, partner, daughter/son I want to be.

3. Include the Part of You That’s Afraid to Change

If part of you wants growth, there is almost always another part that feels anxious about it. This doesn’t mean you’re ambivalent or uncommitted, it means there’s a part of you that may need some tending to as you work on this growth. Practice being curious towards this part as it begins to show up. Dialogue with it through journaling.

Therapist-approved reframe:

• I will listen to the part of me that’s scared instead of pushing past it.

• I will move at a pace that feels safe, not rushed.

Change that honors fear tends to be more sustainable than change driven by pressure. When these parts are ignored, they tend to find more disruptive ways to get our attention and ultimately take over.

4. Focus on Your Relationship with Yourself, Not Self-Optimization

Many people come into therapy feeling like they need to become:

1. More regulated

2. More confident

3. More emotionally available

4. Less reactive

IFS shifts the focus from fixing to relating. A more self-led resolution might be:

• I will practice responding to myself with compassion when I struggle.

• I will notice when I’m self-abandoning to meet other people’s expectations.

• I will work on being on my own side.

Improving your internal relationship often improves anxiety, relationships, and emotional regulation as a natural byproduct.

5. Let Self-Leadership Be the Goal

In Internal Family Systems therapy, the goal is not to eliminate parts, it’s to lead them from Self. Self-energy is characterized by calm, clarity, curiosity, compassion, and confidence. You’ll recognize when you’re leading form Self. You’ll feel centered and self-assured, open and clear.

A simple but powerful resolution:

1. I want to practice leading myself with more patience.

2. I want to notice when I’m blended with urgency, fear or shame and gently step back.

3. I want to practice curiosity towards my parts.

A Gentler Way to Approach the New Year

You don’t need to reinvent yourself this year. You don’t need more discipline or pressure. From an IFS-informed, therapist-approved perspective, meaningful change begins with listening, slowing down and curiosity. When goals are built on self-understanding rather than self-criticism, they tend to last and feel better along the way.

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