Therapy for couples with differences in attachment in NYC

You've noticed the pattern by now: one of you moves toward — wanting to talk, to reconnect, to hear "we're okay" one more time — and the other moves away, needing space, shutting down, going quiet. The more one reaches, the more the other retreats; the more one retreats, the harder the other reaches. One of you feels like you're constantly asking for scraps of closeness; the other feels like nothing they give is ever enough. You're loving each other in the languages you each learned long before you met and those languages are colliding. Therapy for attachment differences is where the same painful dance finally gets new choreography.

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How Do Attachment Differences Show Up in Relationships?

Differences in attachment styles are among the most common sources of couple conflict, and among the most workable. Most couples living this pattern have spent years interpreting it personally — one partner seen as too needy, the other as too distant — without realizing there's a well-understood dynamic underneath. If the patterns below sound familiar, the dynamic between you has a name, an explanation, and an established path forward.

Secure + Avoidant

  • Emotional disconnect

    The avoidant partner may withdraw or emotionally shut down when the secure partner seeks closeness or emotional support.

  • Communication struggles

    The secure partner may try to engage in open conversations or provide reassurance, but the avoidant partner might feel pressured or smothered, often retreating further.

  • Frustration with needs

    The secure partner might feel frustrated because their emotional needs for connection are not being met, while the avoidant partner may feel like their desire for space is not respected.

Secure + Anxious

  • Reassurance fatigue

    The anxious partner may repeatedly seek reassurance, sometimes without realizing they’re overwhelming the secure partner. The secure partner may feel pressured to always "fix" the anxious partner’s fears.

  • Misunderstanding

    The anxious partner might misinterpret the secure partner’s need for space or time alone as rejection or indifference. Conversely, the secure partner may struggle to understand why the anxious partner needs so much reassurance.

  • Emotional Overload

    The anxious partner’s emotional expressions might overwhelm the secure partner, while the secure partner’s calm approach might frustrate the anxious partner, who craves more emotional expression or attention.

Anxious + Avoidant

  • Pursue/Withdraw Cycle

    The anxious partner tends to "pursue" emotional closeness or reassurance, which can feel overwhelming to the avoidant partner, who responds by withdrawing or distancing themselves.

  • Emotional Mismatch

    The avoidant partner may struggle with the emotional demands of the anxious partner, which could cause the avoidant partner to feel smothered and pull away even more.

  • Communication breakdowns

    The avoidant partner may shut down emotionally or refuse to engage in conversations about feelings, while the anxious partner may push harder to get their needs met, often resulting in more frustration on both sides.

Questions These Couples Often Ask:

  • "Why do I always seem to need more closeness than my partner does?"

  • "Why does my partner need so much reassurance — and why doesn't mine ever seem to stick?"

  • "Am I too needy, or are they emotionally unavailable?"

  • "Why do we keep repeating the same dance — pursue, withdraw, repeat?"

  • "Why does asking for space cause a fight, and asking for closeness cause a shutdown?"

  • "Can attachment styles actually change?"

  • "Did we just choose the wrong person?"

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How Therapy Can Help

The turning point in this work is when you stop seeing two incompatible personalities and start seeing one cycle with two understandable positions: the pursuer isn't needy — they're protesting disconnection; the withdrawer isn't cold — they're protecting against overwhelm. Both are attachment strategies learned early, and both make perfect sense. 

In therapy, you'll learn to recognize the cycle as it starts, express the softer feelings underneath the pursuit and the withdrawal — the fear of abandonment, the fear of failing — and respond to each other's needs instead of reacting to each other's defenses. Attachment patterns aren't fixed: with consistent experiences of safety, couples build what researchers call earned security. The dance can genuinely change — not by one of you becoming a different person, but by both of you learning the steps the other needed all along.

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The Atlas Approach

Our approach combines research-backed methods that address both the cycle between you and the attachment histories driving it.

Each session is customized to your relationship, and may include:

  • Mapping your pursue/withdraw cycle in slow motion — each partner's triggers, protective moves, and the softer emotion underneath — and practicing vulnerable expression in a space where it's finally safe

  • Learning to catch and answer each other's "bids for connection": softened ways to ask for closeness, and softened ways to ask for space, so neither request starts a fight

  • Challenging the catastrophic interpretations each style generates — "they're leaving me," "I'll never get this right" — and gradually building confidence with the closeness or independence that feels risky

You'll leave with a shared understanding of your cycle, the ability to de-escalate and repair when it flares, and a relationship where closeness and space stop being a tug-of-war.

Our work together uses modalities such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the Gottman Method, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

Results after therapy

Many couples complete therapy in 10–20 sessions and report:

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The Dance, Interrupted

  • The pursue/withdraw cycle recognized early and stopped mid-step

  • Lower reactivity in conflict — triggers managed instead of obeyed

  • Repair after ruptures that actually reconnects, instead of days of distance

Security You Both Feel

  • The fear of abandonment and the fear of suffocation quieted

  • Reassurance that finally lands and space that no longer reads as rejection

  • A balance of independence and closeness that fits both of you

Connection in Both Languages

  • Each partner's needs understood and answered — not negotiated as concessions

  • More physical and emotional affection, offered freely rather than extracted

  • Both of you feeling seen, heard, and valued — including the one who reaches and the one who retreats

Client Testimonials

  • P & R, NYC

    “Janine was our couples therapist during a very rough period in our marriage. We had seen two couples therapists and didn’t feel like it helped. Our time with Janine brought us back from what felt like a point of no return. We are really grateful to have found her.”

  • Mei & James, CA

    “We love Janine! She was highly recommended to us by a friend who saw her for couple therapy. She really made us feel comfortable.”

  • Brooke, CA

    “Janine is a thoughtful, warm, and skilled therapist with a unique ability to not only identify deeply rooted patterns within a client and their relationships, but to provide caring and collaborative guidance on the path toward measurable change.

    I recommend Janine and the Atlas Therapy team to any provider looking to add a therapist to their treatment team who is collaborative and insightful, and to any client who is interested in or ready for the meaningful and transformative therapy their team provides.”

  • Tina, NYC (Psychiatric Provider)

    “Working with Janine has been nothing short of exceptional. She is truly one of a kind; professional, compassionate, and reliable. In every interaction, she brings a presence that makes both clients and colleagues feel supported and understood. What makes her stand out is the way she goes above and beyond for her patients, ensuring they feel supported and genuinely cared for. Her dedication to their well-being is unmatched. She never disappoints; whether it’s her clinical insight, her collaborative approach, or her ability to handle challenging situations with grace and clarity. She brings heart and excellence into everything she does.

    I’ve seen firsthand how her unique combination of expertise and warmth makes a meaningful impact on the clients she works with. She’s a rare gem in the field and any client would be fortunate to work with her.”

Frequently Asked Questions

  • Yes. Attachment styles are learned strategies, not fixed traits — and research on "earned security" shows adults can develop secure attachment through consistent experiences of safety, including within a relationship that's doing this work. Your style softens as your nervous system collects evidence that reaching out is answered and space isn't abandonment.

  • Neither. The cycle needs both positions to run, and each style is a reasonable adaptation to how love worked in your early life. Pursuers protest disconnection; withdrawers protect against overwhelm — both are trying to keep the relationship safe using opposite strategies. Therapy targets the cycle, not a culprit.

  • Anxious-avoidant pairings are among the most common, and while the untreated cycle is genuinely painful, this combination responds well to attachment-focused therapy: each partner holds exactly the medicine the other needs. The "trap" framing describes the pattern, not the prognosis.

  • They're the templates we form early in life for how closeness works: secure (comfortable with intimacy and independence), anxious (closeness soothes, distance alarms), and avoidant (independence soothes, intensity alarms). Most people are a mix, and styles show up most strongly under stress — which is why your worst fights reveal them.

  • Yes — this is precisely what EFT is built for. Withdrawn partners usually aren't unwilling; they've learned that emotional conversations end badly, so they've stopped starting them. A structured, safe process changes that math, and withdrawers often become the work's biggest advocates once they experience being heard without ambush.

  • Yes. Reassurance fatigue usually means reassurance isn't landing — it soothes the moment but not the underlying alarm. Therapy works at the level of the alarm itself, so your partner needs less rescuing and you can give comfort by choice rather than on demand.

  • Sometimes it's a helpful complement — especially when one partner's attachment wounds trace to significant childhood experiences. But attachment patterns are relational, and the couple's work is often where they change fastest, because the trigger and the healing are in the same room. We'll recommend what fits in your consultation.

  • Many couples complete therapy in 10–20 sessions. The cycle typically loses its grip in the earlier sessions; the deeper work — building security that holds under stress — fills out the rest.

  • Book a free consultation call. We'll listen to how the dance plays out in your relationship and match you with the right couples therapist — both positions welcome, no one gets blamed.

Meet our Therapists

  • A woman with shoulder-length dark brown hair, hazel eyes, and hoop earrings, smiling slightly, wearing a white button-up shirt, against a plain white background.

    Janine Cheng, LCSW

    Founder + Clinical Director

    Culturally responsive therapy for perfectionists, people-pleasers, stressed couples, and strained families. Structured, and goal-oriented in a warm and supportive setting.

    Full Bio
  • A woman with medium-length dark hair, wearing hoop earrings, a white turtleneck, and a light brown blazer, smiling in front of a plain white wall.

    Dr. Lisa Cordero, PsyD, LMHC, LPC

    Psychotherapist

    Active, goal-oriented therapy for individuals, couples, and families — insight into why you're stuck, and concrete tools to change it.

    Full Bio
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    Donna Hahn, LMSW

    Associate Psychotherapist

    Therapy for first-generation adults, perfectionists, and high achievers who are ready to put down the mask, quiet the replaying mind, and hear their own voice again.

    Full Bio

  • Jennifer Aghavian, LMSW

    associate psychotherapist

    Attachment-focused therapy for individuals and couples navigating anxiety, self-doubt, and relationship difficulties. Understand how past experiences, family or cultural expectations shape the way you relate to yourself and others.

    full bio
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Experience personalized therapy at our office in Nomad

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Our office in Manhattan was intentionally designed to create a sense of comfort, privacy, and ease from the moment you walk through the door. Surrounded by refined interiors and a peaceful atmosphere, you'll find a space that encourages reflection, connection, and meaningful change.

All in-person sessions will take place in a warm, inviting space that will help you feel calm and centered for the work. The office is located in Nomad and easily accessible via the 1, 2, 3, N, R, W, B, D, F, M and 6 lines.

Connect With Us

Book a Consult

You can schedule an introductory conversation with our Clinical Director using the calendar below. During this conversation, we’ll learn more about what you’re looking for and help match you with the therapist on our team who best fits your needs.

If you prefer to connect directly with a therapist, explore our team bios and schedule a consultation with the therapist you’re most interested in working with.

E-mail Us

If you’re not quite ready to book a consultation, use the form below to introduce yourself and tell us a little about what you’re looking for.

You’ll hear from our Clinical Director within 24 business hours.

Based on what you share about your concerns, goals, preferences, availability and budget, we’ll recommend one or more therapists whose experience and approach may be a good fit and guide you through the next step.

Rewrite your story today.

You don't have to keep repeating the same patterns. Therapy can help you better understand what's driving them and create a different path forward. Let us help find the right therapist for you.

Request a free consultation